what the...hell?

I had hoped that it would only be temporary, hoped for a month or so.
I gave up after that month or so, sure that we were done...
But now he says he wants me back and I dont know if I can trust him anymore.
After everything that have been said and left unsaid, how can things go back to the way they used to be?
Should I give it another chance or am I just setting myself up for another fall?
I dont know if I should be opening my "not so old" wounds, but what if this is a good thing?
This could really go either way: bizarrely right or horribly wrong.
If I choose him I have to give up my other options, which normally wouldnt be so bad but after everything thats happened, I kinda like having options.
I dont want to hurt anyone of them, but I dont want to be hurt either...
I know I'd have to choose someone at some point...
I just don't want to make the wrong choice...
I know I have a tendency to over think things... well Everything.
My dad says not to worry so much, but I dont see how thats possible... It consumes my thinking
how can I possibly focus on other things while this which has been lurking in the back of my mind surfaces and smacks me in the face?
Giving me pathetic reasons and excuses is useless. I cannot trust words, for words really have no meaning. Multiple meanings make those words counterproductive and in the end worthless.
Say what you feel needs to be said, but I cannot take them at face value; you saw to that.
I cannot look back, especially on the times when I was truely happy with the way we were, without second-guessing everything.
Do you see what comes of being intentionally devisive? Alls well until you get caught. Now you repent. Now you regret. But I still cant fully trust your words.
Give me more than words.
Show me.

i give up

for today, I am convinced that we should just cull most people and start over.
the human race is doomed.
we run off of our base emotions, jealousy anger impulsiveness (which is not really an emotion but still it fits my point)
we're lazy and want it all now.
let the culling begin
maybe then there will be hope

A place for gods...2ish

all that we can trust is our senses. what we see and feel and taste, our memory.
if we cannot trust these, what can we trust?
People are fallible, gods are forgotten. new ones rise to fill the void.
we are left with our uncertainties, and our senses, trying to make sense in a place where no sense is to be found.
Forget what you know, forget what youve heard
People lie, senses can be fooled, and in the end you'll be forgotten too
welcome to america, leave your conscience at the door.
in a place of instant gratification, is there any room for a past?

A place for gods

This is not a place for gods anymore...
Religion giving people hope in a world torn apart by religion
The gods of the old worlds are slowly lost in time, disappearing with the last of those who believe. Replaced with gods of convienience and technology, all things are subject to change
America is a proverbial melting pot, each different culture bringing their historys and their beliefs, melding together and creating this rich and diverse population.
What if instead of melding together , we're really just diluting ourselves. Replacing our history.
Frankly, we're all BONED

The computer went down on me... It was an awkward experience

So so so so so Very tired of this shite
unanswered questions
things i never wanted to know
the perverse masochism of asking anyway
all the lies and double truths blocking my airways
i just dont know where to draw the line.
ive known all along:
all the things he says
i just play along, pretending not to know
digging my hole
i cant get out.
where can i draw the line?
i think im moving, progressing, but i go no where
frozen, impassive.
Pulling me deeper is my fear of losing;
ive lost already but i wont admit it to anyone but myself
and even that is too much.
im lost and im haunted
not so much by him but by my seeming inability to change
slowly but surely, everything he has done and continues to do sticks to me, little barbs pricking painfully as they slip underneath my all too thin skin, wrap around my heart and squeeze.
i want him to feel that, but that'd be giving myself away.
i slip between anger and hurt and the encompassing drowning feeling of Nothing
i can only question all of it and wonder how much of it was a lie

TRAPEZOID: a device for catching zoids.

*rawrawrawraw*I Sark Mommy I Sark!!!*rawrawrawrawr*

There are few personal problems that can’t be solved through a suitable application of high explosives

Spaztic, plastic, tired and strained
Trapped inside my treacherous brain.
Yearning to win, striving to lose
Cant seem to pick, decide, or choose.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo

Sometimes I wonder if i truly just love to watch myself fail...
I have so much to do, and I just sit there... screaming inwardly at myself, knowing what I need to do.
Half the time I don't even feel that this is real. I cant convince myself that this matters. I'm just stuck with this sense of loss, that none of the rest of it could ever compare.
I feel... So Much at one time, and then I just go into what feels like remission. Back to where I'm just watching.
A Bystander.
These things Should Matter! Going to Scotland, Getting the Hell out of Here!
but I feel nothing most of the time.
nothing but a faded sense that its not real.
What's happening to me?
I'm wandering lost in my thoughts... maybe that's why I feel faded and surreal?
I feel the sudden blaze of emotion... but then it's back to my mind; my treacherous thoughts.
I'm lashing out through lack of action... and I don't even understand why

For future reference, anything you find under the fridge is not food

I have officially decided to have Daniel Tosh's babies... they would be superheros.
Funny ones at that.
Dry those tears pussy, thats why dad left.

Ranting of conformity... and such

Life calls for conformity. They don’t care if you die from it… they just want to know that you’ve conformed to the right set of ideals… theirs.
This can be a problem.
Conformity goes so much farther than your clothes and your actions. Ideas, Religions, our Government. All want you to conform to them. What they think is “right.”
Every once and a while, someone gets it in their head that what they think is better. That by making people believe what they believe, they can make people better.
Try and enforce this new idea to conform to…
Resistance is formed. A form of conformity in itself.And People end up dead… how is that better?

How I feel today

How I feel today

I love you
Because I’m such a Masochist
I self sabotage
When I’m finally doing alright
When it’s important
I’ll do anything else
Just not what’s important
Do what I shouldn’t
Don’t do what I should
And want what I can’t
I don’t come around
and I don’t stick around
or follow obediantly
As much as it hurts me
That I should
Physical pain was nothing
to what I’ve got now
Something has to break soon
And I don’t want to talk
But I want to scream
And I don’t want to think about it
But that’s all I’m going to do
And I’ve got shit to do
But I’m thinking
about why I hurt myself.


*credit to Cassi McLain, she of a level of eloquence that I cannot seem to match*

blarg

Sitting in this room is like sitting surrounded by repressive reminders of responsibility.
(hehe lots of R's)
I know all of the things I need to be doing/ need to already have done, and yet all I can force myself to do is read old emails and blog useless blogs.
At least its snowing.
I am overwhelmed by the sheer force of things that need to be done. Things I meant to do a long time ago. Things I havent even started yet, but keep pilling on the heap. Essays to write, math to do, podcasts to write then record, scarves to crotchet, books to read, research to do.
When will it end?
Even if, by some miracle, I manage to graduate, then I still have scholarships to win and then move of a lifetime. Enter college, stage left. Another 3 years of my life. More school, find a job, move through the ranks.
This is life I suppose. This constant struggle for "improvement" which we will never truely achieve. There will always be more to learn, a better paying job, something else to try and make you happy.
We are not a race built for contentment, just disappointment.

The day the earth stood still

A mask of indifference

A shell of disdain

A crapload of lithium

Swimming in my brain.