Guilty Consciences

There are many things plaguing my mind lately...

All the things I should be doing, things I shouldn't be thinking about, that I shouldnt want...

I miss my privacy... but its not truely the privacy thats missing. It's the delicious cake

emo bullshit-y-est day in a long long while

Fucking hormones...
Fucking technology...
Fucking procrastination.
Many different factors in why my head wants to implode, leaving a bloody, still crying mess spattered on the floor and walls.
Ive been on birth control for 5 days now, and its fucking with my system... I explode at people at the slightest push. Not to mention the fact that my nerves are a little strung out on STRESS as I have to have EVERYTHING done by tomorrow. First thing in the morning.
(3 different papers, a self assessment and all my hours... ever)
So today, on top of my crazy hormones, accented by stress from my unending procrastination, everything falls apart when trying desperately to finish my drug video (which sucks anyway)
Attempting to use software I've never used before, left pretty much completely on my own.
Still, after the brief explanation Nono gave me on what to do, I thought I could handle it.
Then I realize the sound isn't coming out.
After I notice that, it stops showing the preview video.
Then, after a few different people try for almost a half an hour to fix it, they tell me I should have been doing this on a different account.
Nedlys.
So we log on to Nedly's account, and it doesn't recognize the files that I was Just working on.
(throughout this I'm practically hyperventilating and crying and just freaking out even though there was really nothing I could do at this point and was just freaking out everyone else)
From There, we try to recapture the footage onto the computer, but the connective wire keeps shorting out, and I'm told there's nothing I can do.
I have no idea how I'll be able to present tomorrow.
I feel really bad for freaking out today... I know people were just trying to help me, but I just felt all my hope collapse around me for this project, and I felt really alone in a situation I didn't know how to fix.
I hate not feeling in control of myself and the things I'm working on... but sometimes I need to just let go...

Duality

Lately I've been thinking about the duality of men…Mankind that is. Everyone has two sides (if not more) that they show to the world. Two sides that make up a whole.


The personal shoulder angels and devils of the world.


The Public self and and Private self. The Mental and the Physical.


The man who everyone knows works hard, loves his wife and 3 children, and secretly watches gay porn every Thursday.

You get what I mean.

Some days I wonder about my own duality, the duality of my friends.

Am I being completely honest with everyone about myself? Probably not. Are they completely honest with me? Probably not.

But why? Why do we need to have such walls against those whom we love?

Is the truth so frightening? Are we as humans so distrustful, especially concerning ourselves, that we cant bear to Allow those we care about see past what we project. (As we allegedly assume of their hiding from us as well)

The thought that plagues me is... maybe just maybe, they wont like what they see. That's what scares us. To be alone and unwanted is to be trapped in our personal hell. Trapped with our greatest flaws: ourselves.

Hence two lives are born. The private side. Not to be trusted to others, and often kept trapped and festering in our minds

and the Public side. The "acceptable" side.

Split accordingly down the center, how could we ever be conceived as whole?