Secrets and whispers

I thought that after making my decision I would feel better....

and for a while there, I did. It was freeing to finally make a choice, to feel like I was figuring things out and moving in the right direction. But now, a month and a half into dropping out of art school, I wonder if I made the right choice.

I was miserable there, but who's to say I won't be miserable anywhere else?

Now that I'm not an "art student" anymore I feel like I've lost some of my identity. The only reasons I'm still here is that I'm stuck on my lease until September, I am working full time, and for some stupid reason I don't want to leave a guy who doesn't want me anyway. I'm pushing away my friends because being around them reminds me that I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I know that this is all just mental bullshit and that my friends are still my friends even if I'm not going to NCA anymore, but what do I do? I don't want to push people away, but I totally know I'm doing it. Even with knowing I'm being ridiculous, I lack the drive to seek most people out.

And I've got about 3 more months of this Limbo I'm in. 3 months of working 9 hours a day, having people remind me of how much they're disappointed in me, and of trying to Really honestly and truly give up on Max.

It's time to really figure out what I'm doing with my life

*sigh*

I think I'll make a cake tomorrow. That sounds nice

good gods people, Let Me Sleep!!!!

last night i went through all of the motions of doing my homework of retardation before deciding "Fuck It I'm not going to go to 'College Life' tomorrow" (two hour nothing class that i don't even get Credit for >.<) and i went off to hang with some of my homies.

I figured i'd just say i missed my alarm and go with it. I Am allowed to miss a few days after all...

So its ten to ten and my sister comes barging in saying youre late get out of bed!!! and started freaking out at me

my phone had died during the night and so of course, mark not being able to get ahold of me to beg a ride to school, Calls my sister to find out why im not answering my phone >.<

way to go mark

you ruined my morning

for shits and giggles

in case anyone gives a damn; (http://mmclain.webs.com/) is my web portfolio that i made this last spring-ish time, and hopefully i will get around to updating it with crap im workin on at school at some point

but there you go. 

all my old junk...

have at thee 

Sex is sexier than death

Being in my fourth week of being an official "art student", yet i dont quite know how i fit in here.

this morning i woke up to a world incased in fog... a world apart. I always feel that way on islands.

I sit here far enough away from my "friends" to be alone, yet close enough to drive (should i ever get the inclination to do so) 

6 hours is a long drive my friends.

Some days its hard to separate my Spokane self from my Pouslbo self.

I still expect to see people I know when I go around the corner or shop at the Albertsons by my apartment

kinda sad huh?

talkings...

right...

so i have been contemplating things a lot lately...

(though its not like the rest of the time is spent in a blank stupor...)

Ive been wondering if maybe the boy and i have just stayed together out of habit.. and if so, what do we do?

i know its not a one sided street here... and there are some things that came to mind last night that i hadn't even thought about before.

Before last night, i was Sure that when we had this talk, that I've been meaning to have for some time, it would end as a break up... but now I'm not so sure.

I didnt realize that maybe my not "opening up" hurts him as much as him pushing me away (usually in a literal sense) hurts me.

and lately it seems as though he has been trying to make an effort to talk to me, to get past these things...

what if it was really just me?

I want you. Is that so hard?

there are so many things i want to say
stuck in my head, stopped by what you might think...
some days i think i may explode with all that's left unsaid
desires, wants, needs, thoughts brimming over
can you see it?
the burning in my eyes is for you.
i am left untended and trapped in myself.
i feel myself stopping myself from reaching out and touching you like i want to,
fearing you may find it reproachable and inappropriate.
i find myself overfull, gasping for breath, out of room.
the only way i know to communicate whilst so uncertain..
my eyes.
and yet, the things left unsaid
are killing us.
Soon there will be nothing left but a shell
and eyes

The Poulsbo Misadventure

It has been a weekend of cramped cars and stress, and I think I am slowly realizing what life will most likely be like once I leave Spokane.

My home, My friends. Everything I'll be leaving behind for my "future"

Do not get me wrong... I am so excited to be going to NCA and to be finally getting the hell out of dodge, but I realize that this is a closing of an era and I recognize with what feels like appropriate apprehension.

Its a Colossal step for me to take, and it would be stupid of me to think its going to be an easy one.

I mean... I'm moving in with my Sister and Tobi (both of whom i love to pieces but let me just say they drive me Insane at points) and trying to strike out on my own for the first time.

But at the same time I'm more excited than anything. We've found the place we'll be living, and I'm pretty sure that Cassi has found where she wants to go to school, I've found a place where they may Actually Hire Me(!) that I'd actually like to work!

Today is our day to drive out towards Tacoma for Cass to check out the campus there and then home. And though it's been a little stressful and a little crazy, I call this trip a success.