talkings...

right...

so i have been contemplating things a lot lately...

(though its not like the rest of the time is spent in a blank stupor...)

Ive been wondering if maybe the boy and i have just stayed together out of habit.. and if so, what do we do?

i know its not a one sided street here... and there are some things that came to mind last night that i hadn't even thought about before.

Before last night, i was Sure that when we had this talk, that I've been meaning to have for some time, it would end as a break up... but now I'm not so sure.

I didnt realize that maybe my not "opening up" hurts him as much as him pushing me away (usually in a literal sense) hurts me.

and lately it seems as though he has been trying to make an effort to talk to me, to get past these things...

what if it was really just me?

I want you. Is that so hard?

there are so many things i want to say
stuck in my head, stopped by what you might think...
some days i think i may explode with all that's left unsaid
desires, wants, needs, thoughts brimming over
can you see it?
the burning in my eyes is for you.
i am left untended and trapped in myself.
i feel myself stopping myself from reaching out and touching you like i want to,
fearing you may find it reproachable and inappropriate.
i find myself overfull, gasping for breath, out of room.
the only way i know to communicate whilst so uncertain..
my eyes.
and yet, the things left unsaid
are killing us.
Soon there will be nothing left but a shell
and eyes

The Poulsbo Misadventure

It has been a weekend of cramped cars and stress, and I think I am slowly realizing what life will most likely be like once I leave Spokane.

My home, My friends. Everything I'll be leaving behind for my "future"

Do not get me wrong... I am so excited to be going to NCA and to be finally getting the hell out of dodge, but I realize that this is a closing of an era and I recognize with what feels like appropriate apprehension.

Its a Colossal step for me to take, and it would be stupid of me to think its going to be an easy one.

I mean... I'm moving in with my Sister and Tobi (both of whom i love to pieces but let me just say they drive me Insane at points) and trying to strike out on my own for the first time.

But at the same time I'm more excited than anything. We've found the place we'll be living, and I'm pretty sure that Cassi has found where she wants to go to school, I've found a place where they may Actually Hire Me(!) that I'd actually like to work!

Today is our day to drive out towards Tacoma for Cass to check out the campus there and then home. And though it's been a little stressful and a little crazy, I call this trip a success.