The computer went down on me... It was an awkward experience

So so so so so Very tired of this shite
unanswered questions
things i never wanted to know
the perverse masochism of asking anyway
all the lies and double truths blocking my airways
i just dont know where to draw the line.
ive known all along:
all the things he says
i just play along, pretending not to know
digging my hole
i cant get out.
where can i draw the line?
i think im moving, progressing, but i go no where
frozen, impassive.
Pulling me deeper is my fear of losing;
ive lost already but i wont admit it to anyone but myself
and even that is too much.
im lost and im haunted
not so much by him but by my seeming inability to change
slowly but surely, everything he has done and continues to do sticks to me, little barbs pricking painfully as they slip underneath my all too thin skin, wrap around my heart and squeeze.
i want him to feel that, but that'd be giving myself away.
i slip between anger and hurt and the encompassing drowning feeling of Nothing
i can only question all of it and wonder how much of it was a lie