talkings...

right...

so i have been contemplating things a lot lately...

(though its not like the rest of the time is spent in a blank stupor...)

Ive been wondering if maybe the boy and i have just stayed together out of habit.. and if so, what do we do?

i know its not a one sided street here... and there are some things that came to mind last night that i hadn't even thought about before.

Before last night, i was Sure that when we had this talk, that I've been meaning to have for some time, it would end as a break up... but now I'm not so sure.

I didnt realize that maybe my not "opening up" hurts him as much as him pushing me away (usually in a literal sense) hurts me.

and lately it seems as though he has been trying to make an effort to talk to me, to get past these things...

what if it was really just me?

I want you. Is that so hard?

there are so many things i want to say
stuck in my head, stopped by what you might think...
some days i think i may explode with all that's left unsaid
desires, wants, needs, thoughts brimming over
can you see it?
the burning in my eyes is for you.
i am left untended and trapped in myself.
i feel myself stopping myself from reaching out and touching you like i want to,
fearing you may find it reproachable and inappropriate.
i find myself overfull, gasping for breath, out of room.
the only way i know to communicate whilst so uncertain..
my eyes.
and yet, the things left unsaid
are killing us.
Soon there will be nothing left but a shell
and eyes

The Poulsbo Misadventure

It has been a weekend of cramped cars and stress, and I think I am slowly realizing what life will most likely be like once I leave Spokane.

My home, My friends. Everything I'll be leaving behind for my "future"

Do not get me wrong... I am so excited to be going to NCA and to be finally getting the hell out of dodge, but I realize that this is a closing of an era and I recognize with what feels like appropriate apprehension.

Its a Colossal step for me to take, and it would be stupid of me to think its going to be an easy one.

I mean... I'm moving in with my Sister and Tobi (both of whom i love to pieces but let me just say they drive me Insane at points) and trying to strike out on my own for the first time.

But at the same time I'm more excited than anything. We've found the place we'll be living, and I'm pretty sure that Cassi has found where she wants to go to school, I've found a place where they may Actually Hire Me(!) that I'd actually like to work!

Today is our day to drive out towards Tacoma for Cass to check out the campus there and then home. And though it's been a little stressful and a little crazy, I call this trip a success.

Guilty Consciences

There are many things plaguing my mind lately...

All the things I should be doing, things I shouldn't be thinking about, that I shouldnt want...

I miss my privacy... but its not truely the privacy thats missing. It's the delicious cake

emo bullshit-y-est day in a long long while

Fucking hormones...
Fucking technology...
Fucking procrastination.
Many different factors in why my head wants to implode, leaving a bloody, still crying mess spattered on the floor and walls.
Ive been on birth control for 5 days now, and its fucking with my system... I explode at people at the slightest push. Not to mention the fact that my nerves are a little strung out on STRESS as I have to have EVERYTHING done by tomorrow. First thing in the morning.
(3 different papers, a self assessment and all my hours... ever)
So today, on top of my crazy hormones, accented by stress from my unending procrastination, everything falls apart when trying desperately to finish my drug video (which sucks anyway)
Attempting to use software I've never used before, left pretty much completely on my own.
Still, after the brief explanation Nono gave me on what to do, I thought I could handle it.
Then I realize the sound isn't coming out.
After I notice that, it stops showing the preview video.
Then, after a few different people try for almost a half an hour to fix it, they tell me I should have been doing this on a different account.
Nedlys.
So we log on to Nedly's account, and it doesn't recognize the files that I was Just working on.
(throughout this I'm practically hyperventilating and crying and just freaking out even though there was really nothing I could do at this point and was just freaking out everyone else)
From There, we try to recapture the footage onto the computer, but the connective wire keeps shorting out, and I'm told there's nothing I can do.
I have no idea how I'll be able to present tomorrow.
I feel really bad for freaking out today... I know people were just trying to help me, but I just felt all my hope collapse around me for this project, and I felt really alone in a situation I didn't know how to fix.
I hate not feeling in control of myself and the things I'm working on... but sometimes I need to just let go...

Duality

Lately I've been thinking about the duality of men…Mankind that is. Everyone has two sides (if not more) that they show to the world. Two sides that make up a whole.


The personal shoulder angels and devils of the world.


The Public self and and Private self. The Mental and the Physical.


The man who everyone knows works hard, loves his wife and 3 children, and secretly watches gay porn every Thursday.

You get what I mean.

Some days I wonder about my own duality, the duality of my friends.

Am I being completely honest with everyone about myself? Probably not. Are they completely honest with me? Probably not.

But why? Why do we need to have such walls against those whom we love?

Is the truth so frightening? Are we as humans so distrustful, especially concerning ourselves, that we cant bear to Allow those we care about see past what we project. (As we allegedly assume of their hiding from us as well)

The thought that plagues me is... maybe just maybe, they wont like what they see. That's what scares us. To be alone and unwanted is to be trapped in our personal hell. Trapped with our greatest flaws: ourselves.

Hence two lives are born. The private side. Not to be trusted to others, and often kept trapped and festering in our minds

and the Public side. The "acceptable" side.

Split accordingly down the center, how could we ever be conceived as whole?

what the...hell?

I had hoped that it would only be temporary, hoped for a month or so.
I gave up after that month or so, sure that we were done...
But now he says he wants me back and I dont know if I can trust him anymore.
After everything that have been said and left unsaid, how can things go back to the way they used to be?
Should I give it another chance or am I just setting myself up for another fall?
I dont know if I should be opening my "not so old" wounds, but what if this is a good thing?
This could really go either way: bizarrely right or horribly wrong.
If I choose him I have to give up my other options, which normally wouldnt be so bad but after everything thats happened, I kinda like having options.
I dont want to hurt anyone of them, but I dont want to be hurt either...
I know I'd have to choose someone at some point...
I just don't want to make the wrong choice...
I know I have a tendency to over think things... well Everything.
My dad says not to worry so much, but I dont see how thats possible... It consumes my thinking
how can I possibly focus on other things while this which has been lurking in the back of my mind surfaces and smacks me in the face?
Giving me pathetic reasons and excuses is useless. I cannot trust words, for words really have no meaning. Multiple meanings make those words counterproductive and in the end worthless.
Say what you feel needs to be said, but I cannot take them at face value; you saw to that.
I cannot look back, especially on the times when I was truely happy with the way we were, without second-guessing everything.
Do you see what comes of being intentionally devisive? Alls well until you get caught. Now you repent. Now you regret. But I still cant fully trust your words.
Give me more than words.
Show me.